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The Self

…water occupies the lowest point of anything – and if I want to be a walking tsunami, I have to start at the bottom too.

After losing a lot of confidence, I find it incredibly difficult to be myself, to think for myself and not worry about what other people think – when it comes to my personal choices.

I think this has manifested itself mostly in my self-expression. It sounds trivial, and maybe it is, but, social media is now a hellish playground for me.

I’m constantly stuck between wanting to be myself, post whatever I want, and that crippling anxiety of how other people are going to judge it.

Does this make me look like the weird, emo kid? Am I sharing too much like some attention-seeking freak? Do I look cringe? Am I posting too much/enough? Is this even acceptable?

And then the double-whammy, what on earth am I posting this for? Why am I doing this? Who is it all for?

I kind of suffer with obsessive/intrusive thoughts too, as a result of my ordeal from last year. So my brain likes to convince me that I am living my life for social media whenever I want to post something or take a picture; it’s almost like a filter that processes all of my thoughts, and sometimes it’s hard to tell when my thoughts are true/not true.

I had been feeling kind of confident, lately, with my social media, and then someone decided to be nasty about it. I wonder why people make it so difficult for others to be themselves, when their actions or their selves have a little to none negative impact on society?

And it’s almost like, as soon as that blow hit, I could feel the depravity and depth of this cavity inside of me, that’s, ironically, full of self-loathing and insecurity – a desire to run away from the one thing I can never escape: myself. It made me want to withdraw from everyone around me, delete my social media presence (I did) and never speak again.

It left me wondering whether any of this (the social media, the dude that had fun bringing me down) was the real problem.

Or was it that, I enjoyed nothing for myself anymore, that I was no longer committed to accepting myself and too committed to growth? Was it I was trying to swing to a tree too far, when there was one in front of me to stop at first? …Is it that, I was avoiding my healing process? Avoiding myself.

Yes, I think it is.

I often think one thing is the problem, but really it’s just the manifestation of whatever is going on inside.

So, I challenge me, to sit with myself. To read more, to cook more. To walk more, listen to music a little less. To stop mindlessly scrolling through my phone, to try and make decisions for me, true to what I like and what I’m comfortable with. To just to continue to try, to stop trying to make everything okay when I’m not okay. A swimming pool has to be filled from the bottom; water occupies the lowest point of anything – and if I want to be a walking tsunami, I have to start at the bottom too. To give myself a break when I need it.

I need to be the main character in myself in my life again – so I can successfully treat everyone else as if they are the main character in their own life, too.

Author:

Writing the truth, as I see it to be.

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