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Fleeting Fights

1). Only time I think about you is when I think of how I haven’t thought of you.

2). How is it that I miss you,

Without missing you?

Want you, without wanting you?

All I need to do is say no,

But how is one thing, a million things too?

Speaking to you through my notes is all I can ever do,

How could this ever be love when you’re not here too?

It’s more than a habit, less than an addict;

Somewhere in space,

Miles away from earth

We’re together and it doesn’t hurt.

Yes I’m over you,

But I could stay in this Space, here on Earth,

Being together, and keeping you out so it doesn’t hurt,

Just so I could keep you in here, this deep whole that never closed up.

When all goes wrong I think of you,

Because I know the dead don’t move,

And I don’t want to be alone –

So I carry on attaching myself to you.

You became my reflex,

And now I have to unlearn you.

You have to want too.

3). I believed in you,

And now I can’t believe in anything.

You did not break my heart,

You had my soul,

My mind in your palm.

You will pay for it, though,

With that loneliness that will never depart.

4). I’m backwards,

Trust the thoughts I shouldn’t –

And shun the ones I shouldn’t.

I shouldn’t, I shouldn’t,

This is why I have to pay a therapist

To show me the way.

I’m backwards,

Born forwards,

But something turned upside down in me

When she left me,

The one who was supposed to love me no matter what;

And now I can’t be loved no matter what,

How funny is that?

6). You sinned to hide your sin,

And that’s what a coward is.

I’m the life of the party,

But I’ve given so much.

You want me to bring you in,

But you’ve already taken so much.

Attention and lust,

Hot pants and snogs.

Soak up my light,

Trying to have fun,

Leave me alone if you love me –

That’s why I knew you lied when you said you loved me.

You just want me.

I don’t understand how love doesn’t come with that.

7). One day you’ll be a 100 miles away from the heartbreak,

So far,

You won’t feel it, ricochet,

And shake the ground,

It won’t ever go but that’s why we move on.

8). And I wish I could let you love me,

But all I feel is that hole, an emptiness,

When you’re human, and vulnerable.

All I feel is shame, and disgust,

When you look at me.

My Mumma broke my heart,

And I can’t find the pieces,

Or the pieces are just set in stone.

Maybe that’s why I’ve always let you hurt me,

So the lava will come

And somehow stone will glow.

You locked me away,

But forgot, when found, my freedom will shatter your

Imaginary walls, and my heart in one blow,

So I can build a new one, a new home.

9). You always said I was the stars,

And you the sun;

But you knew that was true didn’t you?

That when you rise,

I would fall,

Become invisible,

And let you burn my world.

Don’t forget where you came from,

You’ll forget where you belong.

10). It’s all done to silence you,

Keep you stuck in their treacle trap.

But, you never thought I’d grow a new part to me,

And slip right out your reach

⁃ keep the old me.

Author:

Writing the truth, as I see it to be.

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