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Love or Lies? Lovers Lie.

I had to rewrite our memories,

A sweet kiss, duck tape to shut my lips,

A hug with no words that once was support and bliss, an action because you didn’t

Understand it. 

I’m not sure what was hardest,

Facing reality or the regret 

That I thought we were something that never existed.


Do you think you can care about someone and still hurt them? I said. 

He said, yes.

I used to think that answer would allow me to breathe again,

But it made me sad that you thought the world of me, 

And still wouldn’t be your best. 

It made me sad that there probably was all this love, 

That it was never acted on. 

What a waste, hey? 

Maybe some hurts are a not yet

And what a shame I was born with a clock in my head.


I’m not sure what to write about you,

Perhaps it’s because I don’t know you,

And I don’t presume to.

I can write about how you made me feel though,

How you ripped my world away from me,

Oh so quickly,

Too quickly 

For my mind to keep up with the grief. 

One morning, mourning,

There’s no one word for what came after.

Just loss, complete, utter loss,

Devastation, confusion,

4AM schedule so I could sleep my day away

And have less time with this pain.

I know I won’t wake up from this the same.

And you? Will you ever feel shame?

Will I ever have the courage to say 

“I should never have been treated this way”?

Perhaps I’m not the one who needs to make sense of it,

Perhaps I’m not the one who needs to fear the wrath of it. 


We’d spend more time finding the shattered shards,

Then putting them together,

More time putting them together,

Than loving one another. 

Let me go. 


I felt safe with you,

Too quickly, it’s true,

But I really did believe you.

It felt so good to let go of these chains

That bound me to whoever they wanted me to be.

I rioted against you,

Like the young girl in me wanted to.

The deceit hurts me more than anything now,

That strange, hollow feeling 

Knowing I was in a separate world from you

Unaware, ignorant to the truth of you. 

Embarrassing, really, isn’t it? 

Did you love me? 

There was so many things said, too meaninglessly, 

Later proved to be untrue,

That I’m unsure of that too.


Was any of it real? 

I thought you were my first love. 

Did we have something? Did we love?

Was some part of us made for one another or was it just lust?

Lust for who you wanted to be,

Lust for the best of us? 

I remember reading you my poetry 

Of my fears, my distrusts, 

And it’s hard to remember now 

But I’m sure you said you would never hurt me.

I miss you, I miss you, your touch, 

It hurts too much for this to be anything but love. 


I used to think knowing you weren’t the person I met would save me, 

Undo this feeling of losing you.

And it worked,

It did,

Protected me from despair, 

From thinking I would never love again.

But now it hurts,

Wondering what on earth we were.

I don’t even think you loved me anymore.

I don’t think we were ever on the same page,

And I don’t think I can forgive you for letting me smile at you that night,

When I told you I loved you,

That you’re the first person I’ve dared to trust too,

When you knew all along how this was going to end.

Were you just living off borrowed time? 

A selfish gamble for things you know that belong to your dreams? 

Did it ever bother you, how it might end for me?

Did you even think of me? 

I’ll never know what was going on in your head,

You won’t even give me that peace:

Bent on destroying me,

Or anything you feel for me,

Anything that might reach the boy I used to know. 

I’m sorry for the both of us,

Because no matter how hard I try to paint you blue,

I know we touched each other in a way 

That confounds the future 

And everything you’ve ever been,

And for what it’s worth, I loved you,

But even when I write that, it’s not the same. 

All I can do now is forget,

And that’s exactly what I want to do. 


I’m alone again,

Back where I was before you,

So many people to talk to, but not really to talk to.

I listen, and they smile,

But no one hears me like you do

No ones seen the real me, since you. 


To admit I loved you,

Is to admit you existed.

But it’s over now, either way.

Maybe one day I’ll grow some more of what I cared for your soul with.

That stuff that love is. 


I realised it was never about you,

It never felt like you were there.

You were always behind me, to the side of me,

Watching.

I was not struggling to let you go,

How could I? When you were just a story you told.

It was me, the person I was with him,

How I felt, what I’ve been told,

More times than you will ever know.

It wasn’t leaving you that was hard,

It was knowing that I was going to change, irrevocably,

That something inside of me was about to fall apart.


I still think of you,

Ache a bit when I think of you,

Wonder where it all went wrong,

What I should have done, how we used to be.

But I’m happy, genuinely,

Wind in my hair,

My friends. 

So I’m no longer scared, 

I will be okay. 



I think it could have been different,

Actually, I know,

But my different is different to your idea of different,

I know.

I never could understand why we couldn’t try again,

Become each other’s needs,

But this time, I know,

What we were, is exactly how it was supposed to be,

And our ending, an ending indeed.

God, 5 months I’ve waited,

Battled, actually,

For this piece of peace to come to me. 

I just wanted it to be you, so badly, 

But I firmly believe what you pretended to be,

Is out there, waiting for me,

And some of it, me. 


And I’ll feel sad

When I hear your name.

But I won’t crumble 

Or feel that ache.

I don’t need to hold you accountable 

Or reaffirm that you caused me this pain.

Either way, it’s okay.

It just happened,

Two worlds collided, catastrophically,

One more heartbreak.

Is this peace? 

Acceptance?

Being okay with letting you go?

It was only a month ago

The thought of losing you 

Would blind me with panic 

Perhaps it’s because I no longer feel alone.

You’re not the one, 

No amount of familiarity 

Could make you measure up to that. 

And that’s all it is,

Familiarity. 

Just two people, who were once involved,

And couldn’t make it work.

No matter how much I miss it,

We found our limit

And not even me,

Can redesign the pre-destined dimensions 

Of our fit. 

And my god, does this realisation feel great.

That I really will be okay,

Like all of my friends told me,

When my future felt as small as you made me feel that day. 

Life goes on,

And I need you to know, 

That yours too will one day 

Be less blurred, consumed 

By all that burning hot pain. 

I could never forgive the way you hurt me.


No one wants to take the blame,

To know what we loved, is no longer the same.

To think it could have been different,

But no, you and I, we changed,

You, more the same,

Me, lost, trust gone.

Not just in you, me too,

And that’s a pain you’ll never understand,

You’ll never know what you put me through.

I’ve never felt the same, 

Like somethings missing, like I’m lost,

And I think you think I’m prettier now,

Hairs longer, darker, soft to the touch,

Shorter dresses, more makeup, 

But I feel dull, I’m constantly trying to reach the girl I was.

I miss her, so much, 

Perhaps it’s not you I have to say goodbye to,

It’s to her,

The version of myself I think I’ve only ever loved.

But I think I can like this new one,

She’s present, independent,

Stronger than ever. 

Older, I’m older,

And I have the time to understand her,

To give her what she wants, needs, desires,

When she’s ready,

You’ll burn with just a look. 

I’ll love her the way you couldn’t love me,

Slowly, patiently, without need,

Unconditionally.

I won’t take because I can, 

And it’s not that I won’t break promises,

I’ll just never offer more than I know I have.

You always knew though, didn’t you?

That I was different from you,

Clever, too clever for the likes of you,

Well-spoken, a family you could never fit into,

Kind, giving, 

Thoughtful, daring, a little bit too fast for you,

Until I slowed down, put some of my weight on you, 

Not even a gram of what I carry,

But you won’t know that, will you? 

You became selfish, lazy, 

You never even held me the same – 

Placed your hand on my lower back like you used to.

You wanted me, so much, it drove you crazy,

And then, as it always happens, I lent on you,

And everything changed,

I lost the boy I loved, as soon as he knew I felt the same.


It became all about you,

The switch was like whiplash.

What I thought I was walking into,

Was nothing close to what you put me through. 

I was so busy loving you,

Doing everything you needed me to,

I didn’t even notice I was walking through hell,

That I had left myself so I could be with you. 

You took advantage of the fact,

That I never believe I deserved to be loved,

How could you,

When I was the way I was?

What was supposed to heal me, 

Ate away at me, 

How could I not see? 

How did you see, and not have the love to tell me? 

What did you do with all that love you said you had for me?

Because I never felt the warmth of it?

But you did put your hand around my neck..

That pressure in my head,

‘I hate that I love you.. I can’t get enough of you’,

So confused, so scared.

You did look at me at times, like you wanted me to drop dead,

And I could hear it in your eyes,

Whatever that unspoken thing was you kept.

You did do everything to ensure I was alone, when I needed you most,

You would look after everyone but me.

That’s what it was,

That look, you were disgusted by me. 

I’ve seen it so many times before,

And I was too young to know then,

What I know now:

That, really, you are disgusted by yourself,

Too jealous to admit it to yourself.

They look at me, like I know something,

And I think it’s because I will speak the truth,

I had a fire in me, a defiance that challenged them,

Because how dare I, stand up to them,

When their sway was rooted in their cruelty,

My silence, their averted eyes.


And it’s the guilt, 

That won’t let me feel the pain you cause.

What I do must be worse,

For you to treat me as so.

That’s what the little girl in me was told,

Not knowing she had nothing to do with

Their frustrations, their hurts.

I’m sorry for my share,

But I’m starting to realise,

I really didn’t deserve to be treated like that,

I actually needed love,

A sentence from you,

“I’m just not enough”,

“Not enough space to see you as whole,

Too unavailable to take the struggle, only the good”.

If I was perfect,

You still wouldn’t have been enough. 

And even if you could have coped,

I don’t want to be what I was. 


I can accept

I’m tiresome.

I can accept I’m difficult to love.

Never had an issue with the above,

Never thought I was worth enough,

Anyway,

To be fought for, thought of. 

Leave? I’ll completely understand it.

Would never dare to expect more,

How dare I? Stupid, disgusting,

Loathsome.

All this space for you, and them, and her, and him,

Still wouldn’t expect any from you,

Wouldn’t even give myself a shelf in this 

Day-dream, my frazzled brain,

So I understand, don’t worry about it, I do it too.

Too focused on what they might feel as a result,

My affect distorted,

By her vile campaign. 

But a part of me was always uncomfortable 

With the thought I deserved to be treated horrendously,

No matter how ready I was to accept

This is the way it was,

This is the way a person like me would always be loved. 

I think, that’s perhaps what’s kept me alive all this time,

That quiet surge of strength,

A crazed panic just when I’m about to give up. 

I owe that piece of me the world. 

I must struggle, endure the horrendous,

Just for a small amount of acceptance,

Love, a “well done”,

Must perform the impossible, 

Love everything, and everyone,

A tiresome duty,

Yes, it does weigh a tonne.

That’s what I deserve,

Expect nothing more,

Feel blessed,

Never give yourself any credit,

Focus on all your negatives.

But she told me I actually needed more,

And though it may be given by fewer,

Less frequently inbetween each visitor,

A rarity, 

I need more: 

More love, more care,

More patience, 

One with strength.

Someone just like me, actually,

Open, veins flooded with empathy.

Not somebody who abuses my vulnerability. 

That, actually,

My fear of being too much,

Mirrors theirs, of not being enough –

Cramping myself against all these people,

That tread on me, never noticing me,

Means I’m loved by people who take up too much space,

Who expect others to hold them up,

Too scared to feel the weight of their own hatred,

Too scared to look at themselves, let alone accept another,

They must run.


He meant a lot to me,

A lot was wrong with us.

But he meant a lot to me.

First love, maybe,

Not the first to strike deep,

But the first to really hurt me,

Emotionally, 

The first to see an uncensored version of me.

No, that’s not right,

He didn’t even know half of me,

But I didn’t have to think so much,

I was present, 

Rebellious,

A kid. 

Perhaps there doesn’t even have to be a reason,

I just found myself saying yes to him, listening to him,

Believing him,

And then one day, I had let him in. 

I was whatever I wanted to be,

Without worrying,

He would punish me. 

He told me he was safe, 

He told me he was patient,

And I was ready for that –

I was ready to be taken care of. 

I believed him,

He was the first person I’ve ever believed.

I guess that is it,

I let him in,

Trusted him. 

And I loved him for it,

Enough to endure the truth of him.

I didn’t actively choose to do it,

And it’s not that he couldn’t do it,

It’s not that he tried, then failed,

He just knew the truth of him.

Knew it all along,

And I loved him too much, to concede to it.

I can go right back to the moment 

We lost what we had,

I can see it, feel it so vividly, 

The moment you conceded it to yourself too. 

Perhaps you did want it to work too, 

And the sadness that spreads across my chest when I think of that..

Perhaps it broke the both of us,

Just one of us knew when enough was enough. 

One of us thought it was a crime to do what they had to do,

I guess that’s why you could be cruel,

And I dwelt so much. 

You neglected me,

Never bothered to love me,

Cried, when you had hurt me.

That’s what it meant to be with you.

Daddy’s girls only.

And you know,

I was rarely ever mad, before those days where you pushed, and pushed, and pushed me,

I would talk through what hurt me,

Why I shut you out,

Made an effort, always,

Till I didn’t even know what it meant to be me,

Just disappointed, deeply hurt,

Let down,

I remember staring at the ceiling, numb, 

You crying, on my chest,

Knowing it meant, you’d do it again.

And oh yes, I was difficult enough for the both of us,

Like a child, playing hide and seek.

I showed you the worst of me,

But I saw yours, when you used it to hurt me.

We laughed,

And I think we both cared, deeply,

Genuinely.

I forgive you,

And not just to set myself free,

But because, 

I think if you ever chose to face it, 

That awful wrath of grief, 

You’ll need it. 

But I won’t forget,

If I did, I’m scared I would forget the girl you hurt,

And I know if I saw you,

You’d still be where you left me,

Venemous, determined,

Isn’t it funny you walked, but I was the one who got away.


I know now, anyway, 

It was just a moment of bliss,

A pause before the war I was about to rage.

Another space of healing I had to explore.

I’m too far removed from it all now,

Too on guard

To miss the bond,

The friendship, your smile,

Your touch. 

I don’t think I do anyway,

The bare minimum,

Something a stranger can exchange.

How was everything, nothing?

You came into my life,

As an example,

A lesson,

To show me, I could do

What I always thought I was incapable of,

Not preempting any bad thing that could happen to me,

And only those who can relate,

Will know the hell it is to live with a brain 

That never think it’s safe.

But I stayed too long.

And even after all the embarrassment,

The humiliation, you happily serenaded me with,

The abuse, your cruelty, 

Loving having the power you felt you lacked when you were with me, 

Knowing this time, you could be the one to do whatever you wanted,

And isn’t it interesting to see who people will be,

When they know they won’t be left lonely,

Dog gone mad from a tight leash,

What we had, will always stay with me.

Not because you are special to me,

But because of the girl you met,

With her fringe, and cowboy boots,

Desperately trying to find who she was,

Desperately trying to be, me.


 I used to look at you with empathy,

Look at it all, through you,

Pity you, feel for you,

Punish myself for things that you do.

I suppose that’s what love is,

You become two,

These things matter to you.

Now I’m cold,

I’ll look through you,

I don’t care about you –

I’ll forget you,

Your existence will fade,

And you, you’ll be nothing more than a mistake:

I think when I’ll look at you,

I won’t see the songs that we played,

That one devastating exchange,

I’ll just see a face,

Like the one’s I see everyday.

Your views, and your complaints,

Will ricochet,

Bounce right back to you:

I’d do anything for the boy I met,

And nothing for the one who left.


The Water in the Mud Helps you Swim

The curtain dropped,

The illusion stopped,

And you were just you again:

No special bond, no secret understanding,

You’re just arrogant and calculated.

You made me believe you were the only way I could ever be worth something.

Or I believed that, and you happily accepted it.

All it was, where all is nothing,

Was Special bondage that would keep me understanding

That you were mine to love in secret,

That I’m built of different stuff,

Stuff built to take endless heartbreaks till the bondages of your life,

Released you,

and you could be with me,

No more secrets, no more tough love.

I believed your suffering of a trapped life, deserved mine

Of tears that fell too easily, no sound, in my 4th year biology class;

Too young to feel that pain, too young to feel a man’s grip, too young to know what to do with it.

It was never your fault, always Circumstance’s,

Was she tired of covering for you, or was she in on it?

Broken mothers, drunk fathers teach us this,

That helpless circumstance deserves forgiveness,

‘Let them walk back in’,

But some hurts haunt, and are too much to forgive,

Too little time, to fill the hole you left me with.

Perhaps I could forgive you, if I ever saw the hurt you hurt me with scar your skin,

But for the latter of our younger lessons, you will grow elsewhere,

Far from me, that’s it.

And not that I have to explain anything more than the kindness in my ignorance,

But I had a life to live, another soul to love, more to give

To a soul who deserved me, and cherished it.

Perhaps you felt like you had no choice,

But no choice leads to a choice, doesn’t it?

You ran a bath for me, and left through the back door,

A note telling me you’re coming home, that was it.

And that’s true pain,

Not knowing the time, your wait infinite.

But finite in my time it is

Because you’re just you again,

And I burned the house down.

There’s no way back in.

—-

I cannot believe I’m here.

Free, loved, surrounded by gifts;

People who really care, and put others first

Like we were born to do it.

There’s two different worlds in the one we are all in,

And being hurt is different where he is:

Because apologies exist, not words to make you believe it was not him,

Because you can speak without fear, no threats when you speak for your humanity,

Your dignity, whatever it is.

I can breathe when he leaves because silence isn’t a threat with him,

And where my eyes aren’t, a heart is.

And I don’t know what it is, or why, or how, or the disbelief in the fact that I was ever capable of it,

But I trust him,

So I’m myself around him –

Not a little girl with big eyes that looks up to him,

An equal who laughs, and shares herself as if it’s as easy breathing:

A human bloody being, not a 2D piece of paper that shimmers for him.

I’m not sure if you can put abuse into words,

I think the most talented among us would struggle –

It’s an unspeakable feeling that keeps you alone.

It’s a part of me that stays in the shadows,

And I wonder if I’ll ever speak about it without feeling crazed, panicked,

As a prisoner of his reputation, control,

But sometimes,

When the lights gold,

And guitar strings hold my fractured mind

Far from perfectly but soundly,

When the stars are above, my head tilted,

Your breath on my neck,

A friend laughs,

I forget, and he is no more,

A life I maybe could have lived.

—-

Thoughts of you hug my soul,

And paint my lungs pink,

Easier to breathe in, easier to live.

I think you’re too good for me,

There’s no black in your heart,

But mines infested.

And I know you see the slope in my shoulders,

From the weight of the things I’ve seen,

And the tears that I have to hold in –

I know you think this redeems me

But it doesn’t change that you’re too good for me,

I can’t give you what you give me.

What’s worse is that you’re okay with it,

You’re okay with a cold breeze in your bed,

A cruel, harsh at best, tongue in your head.

It fills me with regret,

A whiplash of guilt against my breast;

And I want to love you,

But after something else –

I want to love you, without hurting ourselves.

So I’ll ask you to wait for me,

To be my friend,

So I can love you safely, without pain, without deceit.

But I fear he won’t wait for me,

Because he’s too good for me,

And there’s a girl,

A girl who’s kinder than me, softer,

More of who I used to be.

—-

I wish you knew her,

She was bubbly, inappropriate perhaps,

But you would have found it funny.

She was trusting and brave,

Fought without fear

And loved with an open heart.

I never thought he would have done those things,

And I wish you’d been him so that it was true and I was still her, the young girl with grace.

But he did do those things,

And you weren’t him so the truth turned sour and now I’m me, a woman who can’t sleep.

I don’t think I could ever breathe life into her again,

Even after years of love, and safety, years of you.

That’s the saddest part, I think,

That I died, and yet, I am not dead.

I tell you purgatory is real, real and true,

I’ve seen hell, and it‘s true too,

That a lifetime is just a few minutes;

I sat on the end of my bed, whilst the broken parts of my mind cut me red raw,

Wondering if it will ever end,

If the devil in my head would ever let me see light again.

I wish you knew her,

The girl he murdered with all the violence a small man can summon,

The irony of it:

I killed myself loving a man not knowing he wanted me dead.

—-

I think if you could write your words like I do,

You’d tell me you love me all the same,

That you feel her in the kisses I give you,

When I write poetry, better than I used to.

That just as the seasons change, I have matured too,

No two summers the same,

No winter, no gain.

That dark, bitter coffee trumps the milky stuff,

And coldness is alluring.

You’d tell me I look lovely in my stormy moods,

Skin stretched over stone,

Eyes masked.

You’d tell me it makes you love me more,

when you finally hear my laugh,

and you’re the one to pull the thunder back.

You’d tell me that besides all that,

I’m still wonderful,

And still the best;

Love is not an exchange, it’s a solo act –

One can only hope it is reciprocated:

He did it on his own, not at my request,

So you and I, we are worthy of it.

11/05 11:36PM

I had to say no out a loud.

I go to you when I’m sad looking for some sort of reprieve from my hell,

Replace that with another,

Yours, to be specific.

I feel comforted, held

By the pain you make me feel.

I hurt myself to make it go away,

Tear it out if the middle of me,

Make, it, go, away.

If I cried, when would it stop?

Would I find my way back? Would I break?

I’ve always been human,

Just locked away, fucked.

It’s not even about you,

I’m alone with you,

Just not lonely,

Not loved, not held, not touched,

Just how I like it,

No nicer, maybe a bit rough.

Your monster would have made them run,

But still, I had to say no out a loud.

I sat with it, acknowledged it, held her hand.

No, out a loud.

———-

A better man could hurt me,

And I’d never let him touch me again.

But you,

I’d let you ruin me, over and over

Till there’s nothing left.

Judas and Jesus,

Betray me with a kiss.

———

I don’t think it’s about how you look,

It’s how you feel,

What fits right, what stops your heart at night.

I don’t think it’s about what they like,

How pretty you are,

It’s about what gives you the space to be you,

Material that lets your truth shine through.

——-

And a visual of how you stop my heart,

Is an ambulance whirring past,

Everything stops, all take a glance.

Time slows down, our individual lives disappear,

Thinking of who, how, why,

Will they make it? Will they pass?

Will you love me? Will you give me a chance?

Give up time, merge us into two.

———-

It’s all so romantic in my head,

Being happy is an uneventful event.

Letting Go

I know you won’t even look at me now,

Is your heart broken like mine?

Is that the only thing we share now?

Pieces of something that was so whole?

We had our flaws, I know,

But I had the happiest times with you.

I belonged.

I had a chance at being normal with you.

But love can’t change our past,

No matter how much,

Only we can, individually, as us.

And I couldn’t be what you wanted,

You couldn’t be what I needed –

We lost each other in mixed messages of blood.

I’m just so sorry it had to hurt so much,

I’m sorry he did this to us.

I really wish you understood,

But we went through the same thing, separately,

And it changed the both of us.

I don’t know if you’ll ever allow yourself to see it through me,

But I hope you know, it was out of my control;

I guess that’s what hurts more,

And more,

Because that’s what gives me peace.

——

It’s so sad to say,

But I would have sold my soul for an eighth of you to stay.

——

I’m not interested in being perfect,

Or being your trophy.

I’m real, I’ve loved, I’ve lived.

I breathe, my body moves when it’s nourished, shown love,

I touch myself to the thought of us.

Respect, lust, I sew them together in a strangers toothbrush –

A soft animal under the sheets, sacred to the touch

when needs be, somewhere no man can reach me.

I listen to my body you see, it speaks to me.

I’m human,

It’s okay if that’s not what you want,

I’m sorry you hate yourself so much

Truly, really, I hope you heal.

I’m not an idea, or a criteria,

I’m not your doll, you creep.

I talk, just like you. Hell, even better;

Is it that which scares you? That I need nothing from you?

Personal insecurity turned into hate,

True power seen in another and then labelled as a woman.

I can exist on my own,

Don’t waste your breath trying to bring me to my knees,

Iron versus steel.

——-

I’ve fought my whole life.

Against everything, everyone.

Perhaps if I had not put so much of myself in you,

I could do more, be more, see more.

Fight against more,

Rage on with this war.

But I put so much of myself in you,

And I’m tired now. I’m tired.

I want protection, and safety,

Hard boiled eggs and fields,

Sesame seeds and honey hair.

I don’t even recognise myself anymore,

She was so strong, just like fire,

A bear, a warrior, a menace who you would not mess with.

And now I am the mess you are with,

Do you still know who I am too?

Do I still smell like me, or is that gone too?

Do I weigh the same? Do I feel the same?

Do you still want to make love to me?

Yes – he said – you did what you had to do,

You can come home now,

Let life in.

I’ll miss her, what a tornado she is, was, gone with the wind.

But you’re beautiful now, with your pale skin,

I can see your eyes clearly now,

How blue, how proper, how prim,

How deep and lonely, how open they are to swim.

I can touch your skin, without burning, without hurting.

And it’s so soft Liv,

You are more you than you ever have been

And my god what a woman she is.

———

We all want time to slow down,

But no one will sit with themselves;

That’s when time ceases to exist, I’ve found,

When you do just exist, and sit with yourself.

——-

I’m running out of versions to hate of myself.

Does that mean I’m closer to who I really am?

Or more lost than ever?

Is it true what they say?

If lost, it can be found?

——-

Goodbye, so long

I wonder if you still think about me,

Even though the past is way past us,

Swallowed and eaten up.

And it’s not that I’d want you to touch my skin,

Or warm me up;

But I was so young,

And it was probably love.

I don’t even want you to think of me,

I want you to forget about me –

Look at you, where you can’t see me

So it goes back to the way it was.

I think you hurt me so much,

You’ll always somehow be around.

And I’m not interested anymore in pretending you don’t exist,

That I’m angry at you and all you did –

It’s exhausting, it’s not me:

I always cared so much.

I just don’t want you to know I exist,

Can you do that much?

Leave me be?

Know that I loved you, and it wasn’t enough;

I’m tired and I’ve tried enough so let it go.

Love her, and leave me, again, but for me, not you, again.

I don’t need to know anymore,

Peace won, and hope lost.

It was ours though, wasn’t it J?

At the time, that sucked.

Now it’s just, fitting.

All I can do is describe it,

This sphere we both have, hidden in our back pockets,

Full of sunlight and white sheets,

Sweat from the sun and love.

Tears, that I’m not sure were real or not,

So much love, and somehow not enough.

And underneath, fear and hurt and two strangers who didn’t know much.

Because even though I knew a you, far away from them, we live in a real world,

And we found us, in between time, above the sky –

Somewhere in the midst of you and I,

We created something that will stay exactly as it was.

Maybe that’s just because it was left so abruptly,

Like how we’re here one moment, and then not,

Not knowing how to process death

So we just remember, and remember them,

Till we can’t remember voices or touch –

And then left with a mirror image of those that we loved.

Maybe it’s because we both placed it on a shelf, it was treasured so much.

Maybe we could talk to each other with honesty, and cry together, laugh about how young we were. Give each other a hug.

But you treated me so badly,

And I can’t wait anymore.

Enough is enough.

I’m not sure how things would be if I really moved on,

I don’t think it would matter much.

Tealights

So much has been taken I’m not sure what’s left.

I wish I had realised what I’d had before I gave more up

To a thief in my bed.

How bright I was, how human to the touch.

So much life coursing through these veins,

so much to give, so much potential to lead life with.

Innocent, untouched.

But you don’t come out of battle as you go in.

I thought change was supposed to be a gift?

I was so careless, how careless.

Shell of the person I used to be? Or just grey?

Maybe it was my youth,

But I’m still too young to be this old,

Too soft to be this hard.

It’s true, I’m scarred,

But amongst all this loss, there’s more.

More light,

More art,

More care.

Something deeper there.

So although I’ve given up skyscrapers for country skies,

And hands for hugs,

Many for one,

I know peace.

I’ll know more peace than I’ve ever known,

I’ll be able to feel whole,

At home.

Through

Because making him regret, won’t make him change,

won’t make him stay.

Showing him how you tie your hair and hold your stare,

Will only keep him from the truth;

That he’s not man enough for you,

Or not full enough to love you too.

More time will only ruin you,

Let him go, and choose you –

Is what the woman in me would have told me, you, her, she too.

But it’s not what we do, is it?

Me and you?

We kill ourselves telling ourselves we’ll save the other,

But then one more is lost

And another light is under the cover.

Please love you, so you can love him too,

the one who wants to be loved as much as you.

Papers Under Tea Mugs

You spoke to my worst fears, and made them come true. I wish you would have just said, “This is the hold I have on you.” I wished you had told me it was not love, that it had nothing to do with this electricity every time our skin touched. I wished you had told me who I thought you were, was no where near close, that it wasn’t that I wasn’t enough, just the fact I was too human for you to ever love – and you, not enough. I wished you had told me I had gotten pain confused with pleasure, and that shame is invading your truth. I wish that you had just said something.

And I wish, I wish you had woken up a little earlier that day, so I wouldn’t have fallen in love with your sleeping face. I wish that you hadn’t held my hand to our favourite song, and put your fingers through my hair the way you did. I wish you had actually left me on the first date, when you went to get drinks. I wish that I had never made that stupid compliment, so you would let me in. I wish with all of my heart, you aren’t what you are.

– The real you is between fear and insolence.

– I’ve seen both ends of the vine. So let me spend the rest of my time, trying to get to the middle, until death pays back life.

– Blue eyes, clear smiles,

Safety and no rainy days.

Pleasure, treasure chests

Tight hugs and memories, always.

Thank you for showing me fullness

And simplicity in living.

– It went as quickly as it came, but there was enough in the midst of it all to last a lifetime.

– I’m not sure what it’s all for when remembering the good memories hurts so much too.

– Time goes slow when I’m waiting for you,

And we should all fear what happens when we break the universes’s rules.

– We can’t ask people to love us past who they are.

– And we have different songs that remind us of us,

No shared ones,

Such different memories in our hearts. In our bones.

Such different visions when we look at the stars,

not even miles apart.

I thought I let you go some time ago,

How am I holding onto a mere moment with you

When so much has happened in between?

The past is so present yet it’s nowhere to be seen?

I guess that’s what happens when it hasn’t ended in the heart,

Who forever thinks he’s a child even when his age rips his strings apart.

But it is over isn’t it? When all you have is the past?

When moving on keeps your forever apart.

It will be different this time:

I will truly leave you,

I will not be here when years have past.

You’ll even find the love I had for you, left, to the right of everything you did wrong

I won’t let you be with me again, even if you’re on your knees,

Without that love you’re a stranger to me.

What could be is not more important that has been,

You can have forgiveness but not me,

You are still worthy but not of me.

What you did burnt every other chance.

Letting go is not good enough this time,

I could look at you, and have no idea who you are

That, that is where we are at.

– You know I used to think that moment where I missed you,

Even though we were together,

Meant that I loved you.

But now I wander,

And wonder if I was a little ahead of you,

Still there with you,

Knowing you wouldn’t be there,

Knowing, somehow, this was our last night.

If that’s true,

Oh I was right.

Or loving you always meant losing you,

That still hurts at night.

– A little bit of boringness for all the things that I’ll gain, a little bit of exhilaration for all the things I’ll lose?

– Everybody, everything can be understood, but it’s not for everyone to understand.

Viola’s Gravity

She was everything I wanted to be,

Maybe even some of me:

Noyes’ Bess captured my silly 10 year-old heart,

No wonder love was always so dark.

Ruthless and fierce, the kind of passion that poisons

Then heals.

Smarter than boys, adults, the lot.

Calculated but kind, hard but soft,

And.

It should be and. Why the hell not?

I never understood why I could not be both,

When we are skin and bone, human and soul.

Her jewels were my pinks,

Her stuborness, my kicks.

And underneath it all, rage at the unfairness of the world.

Whatever she chose, she wanted to be the master of her own fate.

Viola’s gravity, at the bottom of the lake.

Fleeting Fights

1). Only time I think about you is when I think of how I haven’t thought of you.

2). How is it that I miss you,

Without missing you?

Want you, without wanting you?

All I need to do is say no,

But how is one thing, a million things too?

Speaking to you through my notes is all I can ever do,

How could this ever be love when you’re not here too?

It’s more than a habit, less than an addict;

Somewhere in space,

Miles away from earth

We’re together and it doesn’t hurt.

Yes I’m over you,

But I could stay in this Space, here on Earth,

Being together, and keeping you out so it doesn’t hurt,

Just so I could keep you in here, this deep whole that never closed up.

When all goes wrong I think of you,

Because I know the dead don’t move,

And I don’t want to be alone –

So I carry on attaching myself to you.

You became my reflex,

And now I have to unlearn you.

You have to want to too.

3). You sinned to hide your sin,

And that’s what a coward is.

Leave me alone if you love me –

That’s why I knew you lied when you said you loved me.

You just want me.

I don’t understand how love doesn’t come with that.

4). One day you’ll be a 100 miles away from the heartbreak,

So far,

You won’t feel it, ricochet,

And shake the ground,

It won’t ever go but that’s why we move on.

8). And I wish I could let you love me,

But all I feel is that hole, an emptiness,

When you’re human, and vulnerable.

All I feel is shame, and disgust,

When you look at me.

She broke my heart,

And I can’t find the pieces,

Or the pieces are just set in stone.

Maybe that’s why I’ve always let you hurt me,

So the lava will come

And somehow stone will glow.

You locked me away,

But forgot, when found, my freedom will shatter your

Imaginary walls, and my heart in one blow,

So I can build a new one, a new home.

5). You always said I was the stars,

And you the sun;

But you knew that was true didn’t you?

That when you rise,

I would fall,

Become invisible,

And let you burn my world.

Don’t forget where you came from,

You’ll forget where you belong.

6). It’s all done to silence you,

Keep you stuck in their treacle trap.

But, you never thought I’d grow a new part to me,

And slip right out your reach

⁃ keep the old me.