I had to rewrite our memories,
A sweet kiss, duck tape to shut my lips,
A hug with no words that once was support and bliss, an action because you didn’t
I’m not sure what was hardest,
Facing reality or the regret
That I thought we were something that never existed.
Do you think you can care about someone and still hurt them? I said.
He said, yes.
I used to think that answer would allow me to breathe again,
But it made me sad that you thought the world of me,
And still wouldn’t be your best.
It made me sad that there probably was all this love,
That it was never acted on.
What a waste, hey?
Maybe some hurts are a not yet.
And what a shame I was born with a clock in my head.
I’m not sure what to write about you,
Perhaps it’s because I don’t know you,
And I don’t presume to.
I can write about how you made me feel though,
How you ripped my world away from me,
Oh so quickly,
For my mind to keep up with the grief.
One morning, mourning,
There’s no one word for what came after.
Just loss, complete, utter loss,
4AM schedule so I could sleep my day away
And have less time with this pain.
I know I won’t wake up from this the same.
And you? Will you ever feel shame?
Will I ever have the courage to say
“I should never have been treated this way”?
Perhaps I’m not the one who needs to make sense of it,
Perhaps I’m not the one who needs to fear the wrath of it.
We’d spend more time finding the shattered shards,
Then putting them together,
More time putting them together,
Than loving one another.
Let me go.
I felt safe with you,
Too quickly, it’s true,
But I really did believe you.
It felt so good to let go of these chains
That bound me to whoever they wanted me to be.
I rioted against you,
Like the young girl in me wanted to.
The deceit hurts me more than anything now,
That strange, hollow feeling
Knowing I was in a separate world from you
Unaware, ignorant to the truth of you.
Embarrassing, really, isn’t it?
Did you love me?
There was so many things said, too meaninglessly,
Later proved to be untrue,
That I’m unsure of that too.
Was any of it real?
I thought you were my first love.
Did we have something? Did we love?
Was some part of us made for one another or was it just lust?
Lust for who you wanted to be,
Lust for the best of us?
I remember reading you my poetry
Of my fears, my distrusts,
And it’s hard to remember now
But I’m sure you said you would never hurt me.
I miss you, I miss you, your touch,
It hurts too much for this to be anything but love.
I used to think knowing you weren’t the person I met would save me,
Undo this feeling of losing you.
And it worked,
Protected me from despair,
From thinking I would never love again.
But now it hurts,
Wondering what on earth we were.
I don’t even think you loved me anymore.
I don’t think we were ever on the same page,
And I don’t think I can forgive you for letting me smile at you that night,
When I told you I loved you,
That you’re the first person I’ve dared to trust too,
When you knew all along how this was going to end.
Were you just living off borrowed time?
A selfish gamble for things you know that belong to your dreams?
Did it ever bother you, how it might end for me?
Did you even think of me?
I’ll never know what was going on in your head,
You won’t even give me that peace:
Bent on destroying me,
Or anything you feel for me,
Anything that might reach the boy I used to know.
I’m sorry for the both of us,
Because no matter how hard I try to paint you blue,
I know we touched each other in a way
That confounds the future
And everything you’ve ever been,
And for what it’s worth, I loved you,
But even when I write that, it’s not the same.
All I can do now is forget,
And that’s exactly what I want to do.
I’m alone again,
Back where I was before you,
So many people to talk to, but not really to talk to.
I listen, and they smile,
But no one hears me like you do
No ones seen the real me, since you.
To admit I loved you,
Is to admit you existed.
But it’s over now, either way.
Maybe one day I’ll grow some more of what I cared for your soul with.
That stuff that love is.
I realised it was never about you,
It never felt like you were there.
You were always behind me, to the side of me,
I was not struggling to let you go,
How could I? When you were just a story you told.
It was me, the person I was with him,
How I felt, what I’ve been told,
More times than you will ever know.
It wasn’t leaving you that was hard,
It was knowing that I was going to change, irrevocably,
That something inside of me was about to fall apart.
I still think of you,
Ache a bit when I think of you,
Wonder where it all went wrong,
What I should have done, how we used to be.
But I’m happy, genuinely,
Wind in my hair,
So I’m no longer scared,
I will be okay.
I think it could have been different,
Actually, I know,
But my different is different to your idea of different,
I never could understand why we couldn’t try again,
Become each other’s needs,
But this time, I know,
What we were, is exactly how it was supposed to be,
And our ending, an ending indeed.
God, 5 months I’ve waited,
For this piece of peace to come to me.
I just wanted it to be you, so badly,
But I firmly believe what you pretended to be,
Is out there, waiting for me,
And some of it, me.
And I’ll feel sad
When I hear your name.
But I won’t crumble
Or feel that ache.
I don’t need to hold you accountable
Or reaffirm that you caused me this pain.
Either way, it’s okay.
It just happened,
Two worlds collided, catastrophically,
One more heartbreak.
Is this peace?
Being okay with letting you go?
It was only a month ago
The thought of losing you
Would blind me with panic
Perhaps it’s because I no longer feel alone.
You’re not the one,
No amount of familiarity
Could make you measure up to that.
And that’s all it is,
Just two people, who were once involved,
And couldn’t make it work.
No matter how much I miss it,
We found our limit
And not even me,
Can redesign the pre-destined dimensions
Of our fit.
And my god, does this realisation feel great.
That I really will be okay,
Like all of my friends told me,
When my future felt as small as you made me feel that day.
Life goes on,
And I need you to know,
That yours too will one day
Be less blurred, consumed
By all that burning hot pain.
I could never forgive the way you hurt me.
No one wants to take the blame,
To know what we loved, is no longer the same.
To think it could have been different,
But no, you and I, we changed,
You, more the same,
Me, lost, trust gone.
Not just in you, me too,
And that’s a pain you’ll never understand,
You’ll never know what you put me through.
I’ve never felt the same,
Like somethings missing, like I’m lost,
And I think you think I’m prettier now,
Hairs longer, darker, soft to the touch,
Shorter dresses, more makeup,
But I feel dull, I’m constantly trying to reach the girl I was.
I miss her, so much,
Perhaps it’s not you I have to say goodbye to,
It’s to her,
The version of myself I think I’ve only ever loved.
But I think I can like this new one,
She’s present, independent,
Stronger than ever.
Older, I’m older,
And I have the time to understand her,
To give her what she wants, needs, desires,
When she’s ready,
You’ll burn with just a look.
I’ll love her the way you couldn’t love me,
Slowly, patiently, without need,
I won’t take because I can,
And it’s not that I won’t break promises,
I’ll just never offer more than I know I have.
You always knew though, didn’t you?
That I was different from you,
Clever, too clever for the likes of you,
Well-spoken, a family you could never fit into,
Thoughtful, daring, a little bit too fast for you,
Until I slowed down, put some of my weight on you,
Not even a gram of what I carry,
But you won’t know that, will you?
You became selfish, lazy,
You never even held me the same –
Placed your hand on my lower back like you used to.
You wanted me, so much, it drove you crazy,
And then, as it always happens, I lent on you,
And everything changed,
I lost the boy I loved, as soon as he knew I felt the same.
It became all about you,
The switch was like whiplash.
What I thought I was walking into,
Was nothing close to what you put me through.
I was so busy loving you,
Doing everything you needed me to,
I didn’t even notice I was walking through hell,
That I had left myself so I could be with you.
You took advantage of the fact,
That I never believe I deserved to be loved,
How could you,
When I was the way I was?
What was supposed to heal me,
Ate away at me,
How could I not see?
How did you see, and not have the love to tell me?
What did you do with all that love you said you had for me?
Because I never felt the warmth of it?
But you did put your hand around my neck..
That pressure in my head,
‘I hate that I love you.. I can’t get enough of you’,
So confused, so scared.
You did look at me at times, like you wanted me to drop dead,
And I could hear it in your eyes,
Whatever that unspoken thing was you kept.
You did do everything to ensure I was alone, when I needed you most,
You would look after everyone but me.
That’s what it was,
That look, you were disgusted by me.
I’ve seen it so many times before,
And I was too young to know then,
What I know now:
That, really, you are disgusted by yourself,
Too jealous to admit it to yourself.
They look at me, like I know something,
And I think it’s because I will speak the truth,
I had a fire in me, a defiance that challenged them,
Because how dare I, stand up to them,
When their sway was rooted in their cruelty,
My silence, their averted eyes.
And it’s the guilt,
That won’t let me feel the pain you cause.
What I do must be worse,
For you to treat me as so.
That’s what the little girl in me was told,
Not knowing she had nothing to do with
Their frustrations, their hurts.
I’m sorry for my share,
But I’m starting to realise,
I really didn’t deserve to be treated like that,
I actually needed love,
A sentence from you,
“I’m just not enough”,
“Not enough space to see you as whole,
Too unavailable to take the struggle, only the good”.
If I was perfect,
You still wouldn’t have been enough.
And even if you could have coped,
I don’t want to be what I was.
I can accept
I can accept I’m difficult to love.
Never had an issue with the above,
Never thought I was worth enough,
To be fought for, thought of.
Leave? I’ll completely understand it.
Would never dare to expect more,
How dare I? Stupid, disgusting,
All this space for you, and them, and her, and him,
Still wouldn’t expect any from you,
Wouldn’t even give myself a shelf in this
Day-dream, my frazzled brain,
So I understand, don’t worry about it, I do it too.
Too focused on what they might feel as a result,
My affect distorted,
By her vile campaign.
But a part of me was always uncomfortable
With the thought I deserved to be treated horrendously,
No matter how ready I was to accept
This is the way it was,
This is the way a person like me would always be loved.
I think, that’s perhaps what’s kept me alive all this time,
That quiet surge of strength,
A crazed panic just when I’m about to give up.
I owe that piece of me the world.
I must struggle, endure the horrendous,
Just for a small amount of acceptance,
Love, a “well done”,
Must perform the impossible,
Love everything, and everyone,
A tiresome duty,
Yes, it does weigh a tonne.
That’s what I deserve,
Expect nothing more,
Never give yourself any credit,
Focus on all your negatives.
But she told me I actually needed more,
And though it may be given by fewer,
Less frequently inbetween each visitor,
I need more:
More love, more care,
One with strength.
Someone just like me, actually,
Open, veins flooded with empathy.
Not somebody who abuses my vulnerability.
My fear of being too much,
Mirrors theirs, of not being enough –
Cramping myself against all these people,
That tread on me, never noticing me,
Means I’m loved by people who take up too much space,
Who expect others to hold them up,
Too scared to feel the weight of their own hatred,
Too scared to look at themselves, let alone accept another,
They must run.
He meant a lot to me,
A lot was wrong with us.
But he meant a lot to me.
First love, maybe,
Not the first to strike deep,
But the first to really hurt me,
The first to see an uncensored version of me.
No, that’s not right,
He didn’t even know half of me,
But I didn’t have to think so much,
I was present,
Perhaps there doesn’t even have to be a reason,
I just found myself saying yes to him, listening to him,
And then one day, I had let him in.
I was whatever I wanted to be,
He would punish me.
He told me he was safe,
He told me he was patient,
And I was ready for that –
I was ready to be taken care of.
I believed him,
He was the first person I’ve ever believed.
I guess that is it,
I let him in,
And I loved him for it,
Enough to endure the truth of him.
I didn’t actively choose to do it,
And it’s not that he couldn’t do it,
It’s not that he tried, then failed,
He just knew the truth of him.
Knew it all along,
And I loved him too much, to concede to it.
I can go right back to the moment
We lost what we had,
I can see it, feel it so vividly,
The moment you conceded it to yourself too.
Perhaps you did want it to work too,
And the sadness that spreads across my chest when I think of that..
Perhaps it broke the both of us,
Just one of us knew when enough was enough.
One of us thought it was a crime to do what they had to do,
I guess that’s why you could be cruel,
And I dwelt so much.
You neglected me,
Never bothered to love me,
Cried, when you had hurt me.
That’s what it meant to be with you.
Daddy’s girls only.
And you know,
I was rarely ever mad, before those days where you pushed, and pushed, and pushed me,
I would talk through what hurt me,
Why I shut you out,
Made an effort, always,
Till I didn’t even know what it meant to be me,
Just disappointed, deeply hurt,
I remember staring at the ceiling, numb,
You crying, on my chest,
Knowing it meant, you’d do it again.
And oh yes, I was difficult enough for the both of us,
Like a child, playing hide and seek.
I showed you the worst of me,
But I saw yours, when you used it to hurt me.
And I think we both cared, deeply,
I forgive you,
And not just to set myself free,
I think if you ever chose to face it,
That awful wrath of grief,
You’ll need it.
But I won’t forget,
If I did, I’m scared I would forget the girl you hurt,
And I know if I saw you,
You’d still be where you left me,
Isn’t it funny you walked, but I was the one who got away.
I know now, anyway,
It was just a moment of bliss,
A pause before the war I was about to rage.
Another space of healing I had to explore.
I’m too far removed from it all now,
Too on guard
To miss the bond,
The friendship, your smile,
I don’t think I do anyway,
The bare minimum,
Something a stranger can exchange.
How was everything, nothing?
You came into my life,
As an example,
To show me, I could do
What I always thought I was incapable of,
Not preempting any bad thing that could happen to me,
And only those who can relate,
Will know the hell it is to live with a brain
That never think it’s safe.
But I stayed too long.
And even after all the embarrassment,
The humiliation, you happily serenaded me with,
The abuse, your cruelty,
Loving having the power you felt you lacked when you were with me,
Knowing this time, you could be the one to do whatever you wanted,
And isn’t it interesting to see who people will be,
When they know they won’t be left lonely,
Dog gone mad from a tight leash,
What we had, will always stay with me.
Not because you are special to me,
But because of the girl you met,
With her fringe, and cowboy boots,
Desperately trying to find who she was,
Desperately trying to be, me.
I used to look at you with empathy,
Look at it all, through you,
Pity you, feel for you,
Punish myself for things that you do.
I suppose that’s what love is,
You become two,
These things matter to you.
Now I’m cold,
I’ll look through you,
I don’t care about you –
I’ll forget you,
Your existence will fade,
And you, you’ll be nothing more than a mistake:
I think when I’ll look at you,
I won’t see the songs that we played,
That one devastating exchange,
I’ll just see a face,
Like the one’s I see everyday.
Your views, and your complaints,
Bounce right back to you:
I’d do anything for the boy I met,
And nothing for the one who left.