I know you won’t even look at me now,
Is your heart broken like mine?
Is that the only thing we share now?
Pieces of something that was so whole?
We had our flaws, I know,
But I had the happiest times with you.
I had a chance at being normal with you.
But love can’t change our past,
No matter how much,
Only we can, individually, as us.
And I couldn’t be what you wanted,
You couldn’t be what I needed –
We lost each other in mixed messages of blood.
I’m just so sorry it had to hurt so much,
I’m sorry he did this to us.
I really wish you understood,
But we went through the same thing, separately,
And it changed the both of us.
I don’t know if you’ll ever allow yourself to see it through me,
But I hope you know, it was out of my control;
I guess that’s what hurts more,
Because that’s what gives me peace.
It’s so sad to say,
But I would have sold my soul for an eighth of you to stay.
I’m not interested in being perfect,
Or being your trophy.
I’m real, I’ve lived, I’ve loved.
I breathe, my body moves when it’s nourished, shown love,
I touch myself to the thought of us.
Respect, lust, I sew them together in a strangers toothbrush –
A soft animal under the sheets, sacred to the touch
when needs be, somewhere no man can reach me.
I listen to my body you see, it speaks to me.
It’s okay if that’s not what you want,
I’m sorry you hate yourself so much
Truly, really, I hope you heal.
I’m not an idea, or a criteria,
I’m not your doll, you creep.
I talk, just like you. Hell, even better;
Is it that which scares you? That I need nothing from you?
Personal insecurity turned into hate,
True power seen in another and then labelled as a woman.
I can exist on my own,
Don’t waste your breath trying to bring me to my knees,
Iron versus steel.
I’ve fought my whole life.
Against everything, everyone.
Perhaps if I had not put so much of myself in you,
I could do more, be more, see more.
Fight against more,
Rage on with this war.
But I put so much of myself in you,
And I’m tired now. I’m tired.
I want protection, and safety,
Hard boiled eggs and fields,
Sesame seeds and honey hair.
I don’t even recognise myself anymore,
She was so strong, just like fire,
A bear, a warrior, a menace who you would not mess with.
And now I am the mess you are with,
Do you still know who I am too?
Do I still smell like me, or is that gone too?
Do I weigh the same? Do I feel the same?
Do you still want to make love to me?
Yes – he said – you did what you had to do,
You can come home now,
Let life in.
I’ll miss her, what a tornado she is, was, gone with the wind.
But you’re beautiful now, with your pale skin,
I can see your eyes clearly now,
How blue, how proper, how prim,
How deep and lonely, how open they are to swim.
I can touch your skin, without burning, without hurting.
And it’s so soft Liv,
You are more you than you ever have been
And my god what a woman she is.
We all want time to slow down,
But no one will sit with themselves;
That’s when time ceases to exist, I’ve found,
When you do just exist, and sit with yourself.
I’m running out of versions to hate of myself.
Does that mean I’m closer to who I really am?
Or more lost than ever?
Is it true what they say?
If lost, it can be found?