And after realising some things aren’t about what is ‘right and wrong’, some things that can’t be proved, I know that it comes down to personal choices.
I recently became troubled, after everything I have been through, about how our personal truths and views of others, can affect these people.
I knew in my heart that what others were actively doing and knowingly endorsing, was wrong. But, I don’t know, I kind of felt bad writing off someone’s entire existence, even if they were affecting others. In fact, feeling bad about it is an understatement, I felt completely torn over it.
So, I decided that I wasn’t going to tell other people what I thought about them anymore. And instead, speak my truth to the people who need to hear it. Empower others and their truths, too. So that they can make their own decisions, and separate themselves from whatever no longer serves them in the way it should.
Instead of attacking Kim Kardashian for her appalling influence over millions of young girls, speak to girls about their own body image, their own confidence and self-worth.
Instead of telling a controlling or toxic friend that they are controlling or toxic, I’m just going to set personal boundaries instead – instead of engaging in a cycle of abuse (when you react to abusive people and understandably so, it’s called reactive abuse). They abuse you, you react, you give them more power with the guilt you will inevitably feel and it starts all over again.
And, it goes without saying, that if others feel comfortable and secure enough within themselves to speak their mind, to speak their truth, openly and directly, then so be it, too.
I lost that part of myself, and the turmoil it brings me when I try to regain it, is honestly not worth it, for me.
I also wondered about truth a lot. How do we know if what we are seeing is partial, objective, and how do we know if what we are seeing is distorted through our own projections? Is truth a spectrum?
After experiencing the hell of gas-lighting, and the soul-breaking pain of doubting your own reality, I never wanted to be made to feel like that again.
I kind of realised that what reveals itself to you without expectation, is probably the truth. I realised that despite being made to feel crazy, mentally-ill (my nex once evilly told me I had ‘voices’ in my head), super-sensitive and insecure, I wasn’t. That, as real as these things felt to me, they were not true – because they came from the mouth of a person who both had an agenda, and was a compulsive liar.
And in realising this, I realised that we have the duty of knowing ourselves, trusting ourselves, and so, believing in the version of the truth we see.
I promise myself to see blue, even when someone tells me it is pink.
If I can’t look at the same contexts as you, and resolve this deep feeling of knowing something is not right, through communication and compromise, I will not resolve anything.
I promise to trust myself, to believe in myself: I know that everything I suspected of him at the start that he abused me into thinking was wrong, was right; I know that I am intelligent and that I am able, if not too able, to look at other perspectives because I have empathy; I know that I am a good learner when in a safe environment, with people who have shown that they care for me and that I care for them.
And I also promise myself to not aim for perfection. To know that, sometimes, I will get it wrong, and sometimes, I will get it right – and to then act accordingly, whether that is by taking responsibility and apologising, or, setting boundaries and asking for better.
But, when it does come to people with personality disorders, with my nex, this is fact. Unlike other neuro-typical individuals, there isn’t perspective when it comes to judging or analysing/understanding their character. They don’t have a ‘self’, as such. And, although you should avoid confronting them with what they are, because of the severe repercussions it can have, do not ever feel bad, if you do tell them, because it will not affect them as it affects others. It will not send them into some downward spiral because their ‘character’ has been assassinated, as his projections did to me. It will not hurt them, to know they hurt others, because they have little to no empathy. If they have a reaction, no matter what they say, it will come from a place of disbelief that you have the audacity, the strength to even confront it.
It always makes me feel very anxious when reading about narcs’ abusive behaviours online. It really does downplay the sinister nature of these ‘people’, and it’s not until you are a survivor who has seen the blankness behind their eyes, the hell of their tyrannical rampage and the deep scars they leave, that you really understand what they are. It bothered me A LOT. It still does, to be honest. Any survivor does not want to read that their abuser can change: it simply means, what happened could have been avoided and that the cPTSD (most survivors have to deal with) is just collateral damage. Especially when the trauma bonding causes you to believe your abuser can change, as some sort of coping mechanism. It’s even more triggering when you read that your abuser could have been abused themselves for them to become this way, it kind of invalidated my experience. That was also another reason I always stayed with him, I never saw him as responsible for himself because of what he *could* have gone through.
There is no proven link between mental health issues and abuse.
Abuse is a choice.
But, really, as understandable as all of those reactions are, it’s just me self-sabotaging again.
Yes, something may have caused them to be this way. It is arguably impossible for any human being to be anything without a kind of ’cause and effect’ system. In fact, I researched this a part of my EPQ. Michael Rutter believes there is interplay between genes and nurture.
They are what they are now. And this is what we must pay attention to. It is not a survivor’s place, my place, to see what the journey of a narc is after we have gone ‘no contact’. It is our place, however, to understand their disorder, so we can free ourselves from what they broke within our minds. What happens to the narc after, whether they choose to get help or not, learn how to live with their condition, is NONE of our business.
I, personally, do not believe a narc can change – and if they can, I think they have been wrongly diagnosed, or my abuser was something else. There was nothing behind that boy’s eyes.
Abuse IS wrong. You can not rely on what your abuser thinks to be ‘wrong or right’ to now dictate your moral compass, no matter how they have destroyed your self. They are not interested in what is wrong or right; only what serves them, hence their ever changing moral stances, if you can even call them that. You wouldn’t think it was right before, so do not now. It just one of the ‘side effects’.
And, even if I can’t prove it, I have my humanity intact. So I know, in the depth of my core, how other humans should be treated. Anyone who disagrees, either has their humanity in tatters, or, your beliefs are the product of abuse.
Yes, it really does and truly pain me that he is never going to have a fulfilling life, that, at the most, if he decides to, manage his symptoms. But, I cannot lose sight of the fact that it is what it is, and he is what he is.
I, here, promise myself to release myself from the bondage of trying to take someone on their healing journey.
It is now my journey, because of what I have been through, to solely focus on me – and to help, when it is asked for, in a way that protects me also.
There are two people here, and I also have my own healing to deal with. I strongly believe that two people should carry out the depths of their healing away from their relationships, and bring the benefits to it.
We are not therapists.
I promise myself to not let anyone back into my life who has broken me, abandoned me or treated me in a dehumanising way.
If I feel it is appropriate, I will forgive. And I will also know, that in some situations, it is not my forgiveness to give – I won’t be nasty, for my own benefit and character, but I will not entertain any communication: some things go past forgiveness.
The best forgiveness I can give, sometimes, is to simply forget. Forget it, and your existence.
This is my life. And after realising some things aren’t about what is ‘right and wrong’, some things that can’t be proved, I know that it comes down to personal choices. That I needed to build back my self confidence to make these personal life choices. So, I promise myself to release any anxious thoughts, and rather than arguing with them, be brave enough to feel the anxiety, rather than let it manifest into my thoughts.