1). Only time I think about you is when I think of how I haven’t thought of you.

2). How is it that I miss you,

Without missing you?

Want you, without wanting you?

All I need to do is say no,

But how is one thing, a million things too?

Speaking to you through my notes is all I can ever do,

How could this ever be love when you’re not here too?

It’s more than a habit, less than an addict;

Somewhere in space,

Miles away from earth

We’re together and it doesn’t hurt.

Yes I’m over you,

But I could stay in this Space, here on Earth,

Being together, and keeping you out so it doesn’t hurt,

Just so I could keep you in here, this deep whole that never closed up.

When all goes wrong I think of you,

Because I know the dead don’t move,

And I don’t want to be alone –

So I carry on attaching myself to you.

You became my reflex,

And now I have to unlearn you.

You have to want too.

3). I believed in you,

And now I can’t believe in anything.

You did not break my heart,

You had my soul,

My mind in your palm.

You will pay for it, though,

With that loneliness that will never depart.

4). I’m backwards,

Trust the thoughts I shouldn’t –

And shun the ones I shouldn’t.

I shouldn’t, I shouldn’t,

This is why I have to pay a therapist

To show me the way.

I’m backwards,

Born forwards,

But something turned upside down in me

When she left me,

The one who was supposed to love me no matter what;

And now I can’t be loved no matter what,

How funny is that?

6). You sinned to hide your sin,

And that’s what a coward is.

I’m the life of the party,

But I’ve given so much.

You want me to bring you in,

But you’ve already taken so much.

Attention and lust,

Hot pants and snogs.

Soak up my light,

Trying to have fun,

Leave me alone if you love me –

That’s why I knew you lied when you said you loved me.

You just want me.

I don’t understand how love doesn’t come with that.

7). One day you’ll be a 100 miles away from the heartbreak,

So far,

You won’t feel it, ricochet,

And shake the ground,

It won’t ever go but that’s why we move on.

8). And I wish I could let you love me,

But all I feel is that hole, an emptiness,

When you’re human, and vulnerable.

All I feel is shame, and disgust,

When you look at me.

My Mumma broke my heart,

And I can’t find the pieces,

Or the pieces are just set in stone.

Maybe that’s why I’ve always let you hurt me,

So the lava will come

And somehow stone will glow.

You locked me away,

But forgot, when found, my freedom will shatter your

Imaginary walls, and my heart in one blow,

So I can build a new one, a new home.

9). You always said I was the stars,

And you the sun;

But you knew that was true didn’t you?

That when you rise,

I would fall,

Become invisible,

And let you burn my world.

Don’t forget where you came from,

You’ll forget where you belong.

10). It’s all done to silence you,

Keep you stuck in their treacle trap.

But, you never thought I’d grow a new part to me,

And slip right out your reach

⁃ keep the old me.

Fleeting Fights

“Lies have speed, but truth has endurance.”

You did not lose me:

What is lost, can be found.

I don’t know what you did,

But you did not lose me.

I think when you feel those emotions,

You are at your strongest.

You’re not in real water,

Stand back,

And see this is as a symptom

Of his own evil.


And I loved where the water showed where the light was,

Where I could give life,

And not be asked much of afterwards:

Everyone was in love with me, but you,

I wonder why that was.

Was it because I had the life you had lost in a bet?

Was it because it made you feel good, to be excluded from the rest?

Did it make you feel good that it would only be us, standing together,

In this pond of no love?

I always said I could only love with you with my tears.

I kind of felt like a shopkeeper:

My shift was ending,

No one had been in –

Do I go,

Or stay,

Just in case you come in?

Love is not duty, I’m throwing the towel in.

Where you can’t prove,

You must choose

What comes natural to you.

It made me angry,

I had questioned my own sanity,

My yellow heart,

For a —- who lived in — own world.

I took on a burden that was not mine to have,

I was living with the issue of someone else.

I felt stupid for loving you,

But imagine having to hate, to bring someone close.

It made me laugh, towards the end,

How someone could destroy my soul,

And cry at the truth of theirs, when their reckoning came.

Don’t f*ck with me, I burn cold.

And when I watched the flowers on Eeshy’s heart grow,

I forgave the mud he had thrown.

When I saw the smile on her glow,

I forgave the tears he had provoked, and made flow –

Even left the hate and the judgement for him to make of his own soul.

When I saw the freedom she had created,

In the midst of battle cries and a war –

I knew she was made for this,

To be human,

To grow.

You will get past this, if you let your kindness flow. Forgive and still say no.

I had been taught to understand and empathise,

It takes thick skin, and a heart so soft – anything else would break it.

I was too young to understand my Mum had told me that,

So I would never have to question myself.

You did what you did.

You came into my house,

My body,

And did what you did;

There’s no redemption here, let me be a lesson to you if you come looking for it.

Apologies, here, mean nothing,

Just like a kiss can’t fixed ripped skin.

You want to change?

Don’t stand here and interrupt my healing,

To fix what you broke, when you broke me:

Did your mumma not tell you,

To hurt another,

Will just eventually rip off your own skin?

You need something irretrievably broken,

To keep you moving from what’s been your nature for so long,

When the sweat creeps in.

Intuition shows up,

Where ego, judgement and fear are not.

That’s why I know I must heal those wounds,

So they don’t get what they want.

I’ve seen that fear, that blind panic,

In men’s eyes too many times,

When confronted with the truth.

No concern or a bowed head,

As it should have been.

You are a coward, it’s what you’ve always been.

Let me return to my own thoughts and biases,

Issues and them all.

I’m done playing God.

For if I had sinned before,

His pain had washed me clean.

I thought I died before,

But being reborn?

Wow, the pain.

I’ve been at war too, Grandad,

I don’t want to be alone;

But running from vulnerability is what I’ve always done.

Your daughter broke my heart: you broke hers,

Took something, lost forever,

And now I am poisoned.

It’s all done to silence you,

Keep you stuck in their treacle trap.

But, you never thought I’d grow a new part,

And slip right out your reach.

Keep the old me, b*tch; you were always so keen to immortalise me.

Imagine hating yourself so much,

You run into a trap, just to get out.

Running too close to death,

The Devil burned me with His fire this time –

and you, you took too much;

Took my breath, to feel something,

In that cavity of yours where all nerve endings are dead.

I’ve given so much of myself,

Different places,

Dfiferent grounds,

Where the Moon goes around the Sun,

And stars can still shine against the blue.

I have so little for myself,

That I have a cave within,

That I cave into when I reach for myself.

Stretching against gravity,

Why are your arms so mean?

Please, please give it back,

You said you loved me,

But how can that be,

When you’re whole because you broke me,

Into pieces so scattered, my mind fell apart.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever been loved:

I’ve had obsession, hate enevloped in a kiss

Held in the middle of the air, and left when I didn’t float –

Guess you forgot there’s too much life in these feet.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever been loved:

They love what I give,

And show me they love back through wanting more.

Show me you love me, by stepping back, letting me breathe,

Like you want me to live, and not leave.

I’m in my head,

I live here,

Love here,

Work here,

It’s killing me, Ben.

My head is sick Ben,

My head isn’t me, Ben –

But it is killing me, Ben.

Sometimes sleep doesn’t take it away,

And sometimes I just want the days to end.

I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be me,

And it was just another day of work to him.

Do you know what fear does to a girl like me?

I loved you so much,

But who was I loving?

No one told me the dead could be living,

No one told me about the ghost in my bed, I always thought monsters were under the bed.

If fear makes a man repent, I fear he’ll do it again.

When I was seen, I wanted to be.

That’s what makes you different from me.

Not all bullshit is to deceive,

It’s to protect,

And then it’s just relief,

When we both see.

It was all just a game, I know.

We were both playing too,

Maybe that’s why I felt so connected to you:

The same hurts, held in different ways.

I know if I changed the tune,

You wouldn’t mind dancing differently too.

Poetry For Pain

Let’s talk about naked bodies.

I had a complete existential crisis today.

I had taken some photos in my bra + shorts (it’s 31° today, in England) on my new Polaroid camera. They were cool, they were sexy. I looked good, I felt good.

I, impulsively, posted them on my private Instagram. And then very quickly deleted them.

Now, I only have 60 followers on Instagram, but my anxiety went UP.

I started catastrophically thinking. What if someone wants to be nasty and send them into my sixth form? What if someone keeps them and gives them to a future employee?

I struggle with paranoia now, after what I went through last year. Expecting the worse is a safety mechanism, I guess. My body, my mind, could not cope with another traumatic effect: it wants safety, and safety is what is going to help me heal.

I also was questioning my morals a lot. Like, why am I doing this? What is it for?

Part of me felt as if it was the fact that I just want to feel confident in my body. I want this fear-based thinking gone, this looming insecurity that can ruin my day in a millisecond. In fact I need it to be gone.

I wanted to do what I wanted to do, without letting other people’s opinions and beliefs censor that. After all, this isn’t murder we are talking about. This is a personal choice that does not catastrophically affect anyone else; if someone accused me of affecting them through the way I’d dress, I imagine they would have overestimated the power of me and underestimated the danger of them.

So, then I was like: would I actually walk around, in public, wearing a bra and shorts? Would I let people see my underwear at all? And if I didn’t, why the hell not? Because people would stare? Because it would be inappropriate? Am I not hypocritical for posting something I would NEVER do in real life? Am I not hypocritical for posting something when there is no way I could stand in my underwear, in front of my peers? Is there any way I wouldn’t feel embarrassed if other people looked at the images, in my presence?

I guess that’s because social media is an insight in our life, behind closed doors. So, really, it isn’t about that anyway.

BUT.

It’s all well and good posting things on social media: it removes us a reality away from the reality. Kind of gives the same effect dissociation does.

I think I want privacy, you know? I think I want that.

And then I was thinking, why is lingerie different from a bathing costume? Why is it, my friends can show their bums on social media, in a bikini, and I can’t show off my cleavage and stomach?

What is the moral line between lingerie and a swimming costume?

Another part of me was also like: “If I don’t show what I have, I will regret it.” But, there it is. The battle between the ego, and the soul.

What I would regret, is not showing other people.

And, ‘what if’, I regret forcing myself to be something I’m not?

How could I regret feeling comfortable, feeling confident in what I chose to wear. How could I regret having a ball of a time when I go out, because I didn’t dress in a way that made me feel insecure?

Is this where I accept something within myself, rather than pushing myself to be something I’m not?

Does this go past feminism? Isn’t the advocacy for body confidence merely just the demand to make a choice between modesty and nudity? Surely it’s not demanding I be nude? Or be modest? Surely, it’s just allowing me to make a choice about the way I choose the express myself, whatever gender I am?

Although I wanted to, predominantly, post that picture to make a stance about a female’s body, because I always felt that the more I showed, the less there was to me – and I wanted to change that. Was it actually a reflection of me? Or was it more fraudulent to post something so bold, and flake when it came to manifesting that rebellion in my real, present day life?

Because even though I, as a woman, believe I have a moral obligation to empower myself, and those around me, to break the chains that were made to imprison a woman, I am also a person. I am not just a woman. I am much more than gender could ever confine.

I am a soul, with insecurities, and confidences. I love parts of myself, and love others less. I have my own approaches, my own individual path to follow.

And it’s not that my body is a gift to give, it’s not that it is a prized possession to be possessed. It is a fragile thing, with a lot of fear in it. It has been bruised and violated. It is something that is at its best, when it feels safe. And maybe, that’s okay. Maybe it’s okay to give into what my body wants. And it needs care, not force.

Again: it needs care, not force.

Posting a picture to tell others, my body is not theirs, is meaningless. I cannot tell anyone what else to think. I may be able to influence them, yes, only if my truth speaks to something within them, that only they are responsible for. But, I could say it till I’m blue in the face, and there will be a person, maybe more, who does not treat my body the way that I want them too, the way I feel they should do.

Who does need to believe it, who does need to oblige and listen and respect it, is me. Posting that picture? Does nothing for me. Absolutely nothing. It just puts a penetrable space between me, and them. It’s not real vulnerability, it’s just ignoring how I really feel and getting on with it, till all that is compressed… rots and spews out in so many other ways when I’m older.

What I really need to do is find me. By acknowledging I can empower myself with either nudity and modesty. And find where I am on either side of that spectrum, or between that, away from everyone else. And, then, then I shall see where I slot into society. How I can manifest me.

I can absolutely encourage others to be exactly what they want to be, against the odds and the persecution their peers lead against their personal + harmless choices, WITHOUT needing to join.

I will join, when I know it is what my body wants. When I know it is a deep desire for me. And not some moral obligation I am obliged to carry out. That will take time, and less thinking, with more feeling.

That, that is my middle ground.

I think it is okay to reject the things that cause me to overthink and stress. I think it is okay to want peace. And I don’t think I could ever regret that.

So… to conclude … If I can’t do it in real life, I shouldn’t set a false expectation on my social media. And I don’t need to berate myself for that. What I need to do, first and foremost, is cultivate confidence and positivity, and see where that leads me 😽

AJ ❤

Nakedness.

And after realising some things aren’t about what is ‘right and wrong’, some things that can’t be proved, I know that it comes down to personal choices.

I recently became troubled, after everything I have been through, about how our personal truths and views of others, can affect these people.

I knew in my heart that what others were actively doing and knowingly endorsing, was wrong. But, I don’t know, I kind of felt bad writing off someone’s entire existence, even if they were affecting others. In fact, feeling bad about it is an understatement, I felt completely torn over it.

So, I decided that I wasn’t going to tell other people what I thought about them anymore. And instead, speak my truth to the people who need to hear it. Empower others and their truths, too. So that they can make their own decisions, and separate themselves from whatever no longer serves them in the way it should.

Instead of attacking Kim Kardashian for her appalling influence over millions of young girls, speak to girls about their own body image, their own confidence and self-worth.

Instead of telling a controlling or toxic friend that they are controlling or toxic, I’m just going to set personal boundaries instead – instead of engaging in a cycle of abuse (when you react to abusive people and understandably so, it’s called reactive abuse). They abuse you, you react, you give them more power with the guilt you will inevitably feel and it starts all over again.

And, it goes without saying, that if others feel comfortable and secure enough within themselves to speak their mind, to speak their truth, openly and directly, then so be it, too.

I lost that part of myself, and the turmoil it brings me when I try to regain it, is honestly not worth it, for me.

I also wondered about truth a lot. How do we know if what we are seeing is partial, objective, and how do we know if what we are seeing is distorted through our own projections? Is truth a spectrum?

After experiencing the hell of gas-lighting, and the soul-breaking pain of doubting your own reality, I never wanted to be made to feel like that again.

I kind of realised that what reveals itself to you without expectation, is probably the truth. I realised that despite being made to feel crazy, mentally-ill (my nex once evilly told me I had ‘voices’ in my head), super-sensitive and insecure, I wasn’t. That, as real as these things felt to me, they were not true – because they came from the mouth of a person who both had an agenda, and was a compulsive liar.

And in realising this, I realised that we have the duty of knowing ourselves, trusting ourselves, and so, believing in the version of the truth we see.

I promise myself to see blue, even when someone tells me it is pink.

If I can’t look at the same contexts as you, and resolve this deep feeling of knowing something is not right, through communication and compromise, I will not resolve anything.

I promise to trust myself, to believe in myself: I know that everything I suspected of him at the start that he abused me into thinking was wrong, was right; I know that I am intelligent and that I am able, if not too able, to look at other perspectives because I have empathy; I know that I am a good learner when in a safe environment, with people who have shown that they care for me and that I care for them.

And I also promise myself to not aim for perfection. To know that, sometimes, I will get it wrong, and sometimes, I will get it right – and to then act accordingly, whether that is by taking responsibility and apologising, or, setting boundaries and asking for better.

But, when it does come to people with personality disorders, with my nex, this is fact. Unlike other neuro-typical individuals, there isn’t perspective when it comes to judging or analysing/understanding their character. They don’t have a ‘self’, as such. And, although you should avoid confronting them with what they are, because of the severe repercussions it can have, do not ever feel bad, if you do tell them, because it will not affect them as it affects others. It will not send them into some downward spiral because their ‘character’ has been assassinated, as his projections did to me. It will not hurt them, to know they hurt others, because they have little to no empathy. If they have a reaction, no matter what they say, it will come from a place of disbelief that you have the audacity, the strength to even confront it.

It always makes me feel very anxious when reading about narcs’ abusive behaviours online. It really does downplay the sinister nature of these ‘people’, and it’s not until you are a survivor who has seen the blankness behind their eyes, the hell of their tyrannical rampage and the deep scars they leave, that you really understand what they are. It bothered me A LOT. It still does, to be honest. Any survivor does not want to read that their abuser can change: it simply means, what happened could have been avoided and that the cPTSD (most survivors have to deal with) is just collateral damage. Especially when the trauma bonding causes you to believe your abuser can change, as some sort of coping mechanism. It’s even more triggering when you read that your abuser could have been abused themselves for them to become this way, it kind of invalidated my experience. That was also another reason I always stayed with him, I never saw him as responsible for himself because of what he *could* have gone through.

There is no proven link between mental health issues and abuse.

Abuse is a choice.

But, really, as understandable as all of those reactions are, it’s just me self-sabotaging again.

Yes, something may have caused them to be this way. It is arguably impossible for any human being to be anything without a kind of ’cause and effect’ system. In fact, I researched this a part of my EPQ. Michael Rutter believes there is interplay between genes and nurture.

Anyway…

They are what they are now. And this is what we must pay attention to. It is not a survivor’s place, my place, to see what the journey of a narc is after we have gone ‘no contact’. It is our place, however, to understand their disorder, so we can free ourselves from what they broke within our minds. What happens to the narc after, whether they choose to get help or not, learn how to live with their condition, is NONE of our business.

I, personally, do not believe a narc can change – and if they can, I think they have been wrongly diagnosed, or my abuser was something else. There was nothing behind that boy’s eyes.

Abuse IS wrong. You can not rely on what your abuser thinks to be ‘wrong or right’ to now dictate your moral compass, no matter how they have destroyed your self. They are not interested in what is wrong or right; only what serves them, hence their ever changing moral stances, if you can even call them that. You wouldn’t think it was right before, so do not now. It just one of the ‘side effects’.

And, even if I can’t prove it, I have my humanity intact. So I know, in the depth of my core, how other humans should be treated. Anyone who disagrees, either has their humanity in tatters, or, your beliefs are the product of abuse.

Yes, it really does and truly pain me that he is never going to have a fulfilling life, that, at the most, if he decides to, manage his symptoms. But, I cannot lose sight of the fact that it is what it is, and he is what he is.

I, here, promise myself to release myself from the bondage of trying to take someone on their healing journey.

It is now my journey, because of what I have been through, to solely focus on me – and to help, when it is asked for, in a way that protects me also.

There are two people here, and I also have my own healing to deal with. I strongly believe that two people should carry out the depths of their healing away from their relationships, and bring the benefits to it.

We are not therapists.

I promise myself to not let anyone back into my life who has broken me, abandoned me or treated me in a dehumanising way.

If I feel it is appropriate, I will forgive. And I will also know, that in some situations, it is not my forgiveness to give – I won’t be nasty, for my own benefit and character, but I will not entertain any communication: some things go past forgiveness.

The best forgiveness I can give, sometimes, is to simply forget. Forget it, and your existence.

This is my life. And after realising some things aren’t about what is ‘right and wrong’, some things that can’t be proved, I know that it comes down to personal choices. That I needed to build back my self confidence to make these personal life choices. So, I promise myself to release any anxious thoughts, and rather than arguing with them, be brave enough to feel the anxiety, rather than let it manifest into my thoughts.

AJ x

Some Thoughts