Letting Go

I know you won’t even look at me now,

Is your heart broken like mine?

Is that the only thing we share now?

Pieces of something that was so whole?

We had our flaws, I know,

But I had the happiest times with you.

I belonged.

I had a chance at being normal with you.

But love can’t change our past,

No matter how much,

Only we can, individually, as us.

And I couldn’t be what you wanted,

You couldn’t be what I needed –

We lost each other in mixed messages of blood.

I’m just so sorry it had to hurt so much,

I’m sorry he did this to us.

I really wish you understood,

But we went through the same thing, separately,

And it changed the both of us.

I don’t know if you’ll ever allow yourself to see it through me,

But I hope you know, it was out of my control;

I guess that’s what hurts more,

And more,

Because that’s what gives me peace.

——

It’s so sad to say,

But I would have sold my soul for an eighth of you to stay.

——

I’m not interested in being perfect,

Or being your trophy.

I’m real, I’ve loved, I’ve lived.

I breathe, my body moves when it’s nourished, shown love,

I touch myself to the thought of us.

Respect, lust, I sew them together in a strangers toothbrush –

A soft animal under the sheets, sacred to the touch

when needs be, somewhere no man can reach me.

I listen to my body you see, it speaks to me.

I’m human,

It’s okay if that’s not what you want,

I’m sorry you hate yourself so much

Truly, really, I hope you heal.

I’m not an idea, or a criteria,

I’m not your doll, you creep.

I talk, just like you. Hell, even better;

Is it that which scares you? That I need nothing from you?

Personal insecurity turned into hate,

True power seen in another and then labelled as a woman.

I can exist on my own,

Don’t waste your breath trying to bring me to my knees,

Iron versus steel.

——-

I’ve fought my whole life.

Against everything, everyone.

Perhaps if I had not put so much of myself in you,

I could do more, be more, see more.

Fight against more,

Rage on with this war.

But I put so much of myself in you,

And I’m tired now. I’m tired.

I want protection, and safety,

Hard boiled eggs and fields,

Sesame seeds and honey hair.

I don’t even recognise myself anymore,

She was so strong, just like fire,

A bear, a warrior, a menace who you would not mess with.

And now I am the mess you are with,

Do you still know who I am too?

Do I still smell like me, or is that gone too?

Do I weigh the same? Do I feel the same?

Do you still want to make love to me?

Yes – he said – you did what you had to do,

You can come home now,

Let life in.

I’ll miss her, what a tornado she is, was, gone with the wind.

But you’re beautiful now, with your pale skin,

I can see your eyes clearly now,

How blue, how proper, how prim,

How deep and lonely, how open they are to swim.

I can touch your skin, without burning, without hurting.

And it’s so soft Liv,

You are more you than you ever have been

And my god what a woman she is.

———

We all want time to slow down,

But no one will sit with themselves;

That’s when time ceases to exist, I’ve found,

When you do just exist, and sit with yourself.

——-

I’m running out of versions to hate of myself.

Does that mean I’m closer to who I really am?

Or more lost than ever?

Is it true what they say?

If lost, it can be found?

——-

Goodbye, so long

I wonder if you still think about me,

Even though the past is way past us,

Swallowed and eaten up.

And it’s not that I’d want you to touch my skin,

Or warm me up;

But I was so young,

And it was probably love.

I don’t even want you to think of me,

I want you to forget about me –

Look at you, where you can’t see me

So it goes back to the way it was.

I think you hurt me so much,

You’ll always somehow be around.

And I’m not interested anymore in pretending you don’t exist,

That I’m angry at you and all you did –

It’s exhausting, it’s not me:

I always cared so much.

I just don’t want you to know I exist,

Can you do that much?

Leave me be?

Know that I loved you, and it wasn’t enough;

I’m tired and I’ve tried enough so let it go.

Love her, and leave me, again, but for me, not you, again.

I don’t need to know anymore,

Peace won, and hope lost.

–

It was ours though, wasn’t it J?

At the time, that sucked.

Now it’s just, fitting.

All I can do is describe it,

This sphere we both have, hidden in our back pockets,

Full of sunlight and white sheets,

Sweat from the sun and love.

Tears, that I’m not sure were real or not,

So much love, and somehow not enough.

And underneath, fear and hurt and two strangers who didn’t know much.

Because even though I knew a you, far away from them, we live in a real world,

And we found us, in between time, above the sky –

Somewhere in the midst of you and I,

We created something that will stay exactly as it was.

Maybe that’s just because it was left so abruptly,

Like how we’re here one moment, and then not,

Not knowing how to process death

So we just remember, and remember them,

Till we can’t remember voices or touch –

And then left with a mirror image of those that we loved.

Maybe it’s because we both placed it on a shelf, it was treasured so much.

Maybe we could talk to each other with honesty, and cry together, laugh about how young we were. Give each other a hug.

But you treated me so badly,

And I can’t wait anymore.

Enough is enough.

I’m not sure how things would be if I really moved on,

I don’t think it would matter much.

Through

Because making him regret, won’t make him change,

won’t make him stay.

Showing him how you tie your hair and hold your stare,

Will only keep him from the truth;

That he’s not man enough for you,

Or not full enough to love you too.

More time will only ruin you,

Let him go, and choose you –

Is what the woman in me would have told me, you, her, she too.

But it’s not what we do, is it?

Me and you?

We kill ourselves telling ourselves we’ll save the other,

But then one more is lost

And another light is under the cover.

Please love you, so you can love him too,

the one who wants to be loved as much as you.

Papers Under Tea Mugs

You spoke to my worst fears, and made them come true. I wish you would have just said, “This is the hold I have on you.” I wished you had told me it was not love, that it had nothing to do with this electricity every time our skin touched. I wished you had told me who I thought you were, was no where near close, that it wasn’t that I wasn’t enough, just the fact I was too human for you to ever love – and you, not enough. I wished you had told me I had gotten pain confused with pleasure, and that shame is invading your truth. I wish that you had just said something.

And I wish, I wish you had woken up a little earlier that day, so I wouldn’t have fallen in love with your sleeping face. I wish that you hadn’t held my hand to our favourite song, and put your fingers through my hair the way you did. I wish you had actually left me on the first date, when you went to get drinks. I wish that I had never made that stupid compliment, so you would let me in. I wish with all of my heart, you aren’t what you are.

– The real you is between fear and insolence.

– I’ve seen both ends of the vine. So let me spend the rest of my time, trying to get to the middle, until death pays back life.

– Blue eyes, clear smiles,

Safety and no rainy days.

Pleasure, treasure chests

Tight hugs and memories, always.

Thank you for showing me fullness

And simplicity in living.

– It went as quickly as it came, but there was enough in the midst of it all to last a lifetime.

– I’m not sure what it’s all for when remembering the good memories hurts so much too.

– Time goes slow when I’m waiting for you,

And we should all fear what happens when we break the universes’s rules.

– We can’t ask people to love us past who they are.

– And we have different songs that remind us of us,

No shared ones,

Such different memories in our hearts. In our bones.

Such different visions when we look at the stars,

not even miles apart.

I thought I let you go some time ago,

How am I holding onto a mere moment with you

When so much has happened in between?

The past is so present yet it’s nowhere to be seen?

I guess that’s what happens when it hasn’t ended in the heart,

Who forever thinks he’s a child even when his age rips his strings apart.

But it is over isn’t it? When all you have is the past?

When moving on keeps your forever apart.

It will be different this time:

I will truly leave you,

I will not be here when years have past.

You’ll even find the love I had for you, left, to the right of everything you did wrong

I won’t let you be with me again, even if you’re on your knees,

Without that love you’re a stranger to me.

What could be is not more important that has been,

You can have forgiveness but not me,

You are still worthy but not of me.

What you did burnt every other chance.

Letting go is not good enough this time,

I could look at you, and have no idea who you are

That, that is where we are at.

– You know I used to think that moment where I missed you,

Even though we were together,

Meant that I loved you.

But now I wander,

And wonder if I was a little ahead of you,

Still there with you,

Knowing you wouldn’t be there,

Knowing, somehow, this was our last night.

If that’s true,

Oh I was right.

Or loving you always meant losing you,

That still hurts at night.

– A little bit of boringness for all the things that I’ll gain, a little bit of exhilaration for all the things I’ll lose?

– Everybody, everything can be understood, but it’s not for everyone to understand.

Viola’s Gravity

She was everything I wanted to be,

Maybe even some of me:

Noyes’ Bess captured my silly 10 year-old heart,

No wonder love was always so dark.

Ruthless and fierce, the kind of passion that poisons

Then heals.

Smarter than boys, adults, the lot.

Calculated but kind, hard but soft,

And.

It should be and. Why the hell not?

I never understood why I could not be both,

When we are skin and bone, human and soul.

Her jewels were my pinks,

Her stuborness, my kicks.

And underneath it all, rage at the unfairness of the world.

Whatever she chose, she wanted to be the master of her own fate.

Viola’s gravity, at the bottom of the lake.

Finalities

And, it’s been a while,

Since I’ve heard your voice,

Pressed into keys and

Notes –

Refund the broken time,

Cha-ching,

Rinse your breath from my soul,

Wash the rest down the sink,

Chests hidden in

Boats of yours and mine stories to be told.

Red seas no longer are,

Golds and White entwine in what was a star,

It heals,

It heals;

breathe you out, into a forgotten jar,

Where time is made and sold

To the devil who told

The story of You and me.

Give what was to the dark.

It’s free,

The pleas heard to

Let it free,

Were heard.

And yet standing in between this space of ours and mine,

Of freedom and escape,

I still love you,

It is bizarre;

Love does not know the chime,

Of my grandfather,

And ceased though you are,

Forever you will stay,

At the bottom of my beating blood red heart.

What We Preach

I think there is beauty everywhere,

In every line and crevice of the human face,

Crooked and straight.

Ultraviolets and golds

At the base

Of yours and mine’s stories to be told,

That we decorate,

With the souls of strangers laced

Into our heart rate,

Where they all live forever as bold,

as of the infinitive universes’ grace.

Milks and honeys,

Chocolate siennas and vanilla,

Night skies painted with big taupe eyes:

It’s everywhere you see,

Just hidden away

From vanity and what we preach.