Tealights

So much has been taken I’m not sure what’s left.

I wish I had realised what I’d had before I gave more up

To a thief in my bed.

How bright I was, how human to the touch.

So much life coursing through these veins,

so much to give, so much potential to lead life with.

Innocent, untouched.

But you don’t come out of battle as you go in.

I thought change was supposed to be a gift?

I was so careless, how careless.

Shell of the person I used to be? Or just grey?

Maybe it was my youth,

But I’m still too young to be this old,

Too soft to be this hard.

It’s true, I’m scarred,

But amongst all this loss, there’s more.

More light,

More art,

More care.

Something deeper there.

So although I’ve given up skyscrapers for country skies,

And hands for hugs,

Many for one,

I know peace.

I’ll know more peace than I’ve ever known,

I’ll be able to feel whole,

At home.

Papers Under Tea Mugs

You spoke to my worst fears, and made them come true. I wish you would have just said, “This is the hold I have on you.” I wished you had told me it was not love, that it had nothing to do with this electricity every time our skin touched. I wished you had told me who I thought you were, was no where near close, that it wasn’t that I wasn’t enough, just the fact I was too human for you to ever love – and you, not enough. I wished you had told me I had gotten pain confused with pleasure, and that shame is invading your truth. I wish that you had just said something.

And I wish, I wish you had woken up a little earlier that day, so I wouldn’t have fallen in love with your sleeping face. I wish that you hadn’t held my hand to our favourite song, and put your fingers through my hair the way you did. I wish you had actually left me on the first date, when you went to get drinks. I wish that I had never made that stupid compliment, so you would let me in. I wish with all of my heart, you aren’t what you are.

– The real you is between fear and insolence.

– I’ve seen both ends of the vine. So let me spend the rest of my time, trying to get to the middle, until death pays back life.

– Blue eyes, clear smiles,

Safety and no rainy days.

Pleasure, treasure chests

Tight hugs and memories, always.

Thank you for showing me fullness

And simplicity in living.

– It went as quickly as it came, but there was enough in the midst of it all to last a lifetime.

– I’m not sure what it’s all for when remembering the good memories hurts so much too.

– Time goes slow when I’m waiting for you,

And we should all fear what happens when we break the universes’s rules.

– We can’t ask people to love us past who they are.

– And we have different songs that remind us of us,

No shared ones,

Such different memories in our hearts. In our bones.

Such different visions when we look at the stars,

not even miles apart.

I thought I let you go some time ago,

How am I holding onto a mere moment with you

When so much has happened in between?

The past is so present yet it’s nowhere to be seen?

I guess that’s what happens when it hasn’t ended in the heart,

Who forever thinks he’s a child even when his age rips his strings apart.

But it is over isn’t it? When all you have is the past?

When moving on keeps your forever apart.

It will be different this time:

I will truly leave you,

I will not be here when years have past.

You’ll even find the love I had for you, left, to the right of everything you did wrong

I won’t let you be with me again, even if you’re on your knees,

Without that love you’re a stranger to me.

What could be is not more important that has been,

You can have forgiveness but not me,

You are still worthy but not of me.

What you did burnt every other chance.

Letting go is not good enough this time,

I could look at you, and have no idea who you are

That, that is where we are at.

– You know I used to think that moment where I missed you,

Even though we were together,

Meant that I loved you.

But now I wander,

And wonder if I was a little ahead of you,

Still there with you,

Knowing you wouldn’t be there,

Knowing, somehow, this was our last night.

If that’s true,

Oh I was right.

Or loving you always meant losing you,

That still hurts at night.

– A little bit of boringness for all the things that I’ll gain, a little bit of exhilaration for all the things I’ll lose?

– Everybody, everything can be understood, but it’s not for everyone to understand.

Fleeting Fights

1). Only time I think about you is when I think of how I haven’t thought of you.

2). How is it that I miss you,

Without missing you?

Want you, without wanting you?

All I need to do is say no,

But how is one thing, a million things too?

Speaking to you through my notes is all I can ever do,

How could this ever be love when you’re not here too?

It’s more than a habit, less than an addict;

Somewhere in space,

Miles away from earth

We’re together and it doesn’t hurt.

Yes I’m over you,

But I could stay in this Space, here on Earth,

Being together, and keeping you out so it doesn’t hurt,

Just so I could keep you in here, this deep whole that never closed up.

When all goes wrong I think of you,

Because I know the dead don’t move,

And I don’t want to be alone –

So I carry on attaching myself to you.

You became my reflex,

And now I have to unlearn you.

You have to want to too.

3). You sinned to hide your sin,

And that’s what a coward is.

Leave me alone if you love me –

That’s why I knew you lied when you said you loved me.

You just want me.

I don’t understand how love doesn’t come with that.

4). One day you’ll be a 100 miles away from the heartbreak,

So far,

You won’t feel it, ricochet,

And shake the ground,

It won’t ever go but that’s why we move on.

8). And I wish I could let you love me,

But all I feel is that hole, an emptiness,

When you’re human, and vulnerable.

All I feel is shame, and disgust,

When you look at me.

She broke my heart,

And I can’t find the pieces,

Or the pieces are just set in stone.

Maybe that’s why I’ve always let you hurt me,

So the lava will come

And somehow stone will glow.

You locked me away,

But forgot, when found, my freedom will shatter your

Imaginary walls, and my heart in one blow,

So I can build a new one, a new home.

5). You always said I was the stars,

And you the sun;

But you knew that was true didn’t you?

That when you rise,

I would fall,

Become invisible,

And let you burn my world.

Don’t forget where you came from,

You’ll forget where you belong.

6). It’s all done to silence you,

Keep you stuck in their treacle trap.

But, you never thought I’d grow a new part to me,

And slip right out your reach

⁃ keep the old me.

Finalities

And, it’s been a while,

Since I’ve heard your voice,

Pressed into keys and

Notes –

Refund the broken time,

Cha-ching,

Rinse your breath from my soul,

Wash the rest down the sink,

Chests hidden in

Boats of yours and mine stories to be told.

Red seas no longer are,

Golds and White entwine in what was a star,

It heals,

It heals;

breathe you out, into a forgotten jar,

Where time is made and sold

To the devil who told

The story of You and me.

Give what was to the dark.

It’s free,

The pleas heard to

Let it free,

Were heard.

And yet standing in between this space of ours and mine,

Of freedom and escape,

I still love you,

It is bizarre;

Love does not know the chime,

Of my grandfather,

And ceased though you are,

Forever you will stay,

At the bottom of my beating blood red heart.

What We Preach

I think there is beauty everywhere,

In every line and crevice of the human face,

Crooked and straight.

Ultraviolets and golds

At the base

Of yours and mine’s stories to be told,

That we decorate,

With the souls of strangers laced

Into our heart rate,

Where they all live forever as bold,

as of the infinitive universes’ grace.

Milks and honeys,

Chocolate siennas and vanilla,

Night skies painted with big taupe eyes:

It’s everywhere you see,

Just hidden away

From vanity and what we preach.