11/05 11:36PM

I had to say no out a loud.

I go to you when I’m sad looking for some sort of reprieve from my hell,

Replace that with another,

Yours, to be specific.

I feel comforted, held

By the pain you make me feel.

I hurt myself to make it go away,

Tear it out if the middle of me,

Make, it, go, away.

If I cried, when would it stop?

Would I find my way back? Would I break?

I’ve always been human,

Just locked away, fucked.

It’s not even about you,

I’m alone with you,

Just not lonely,

Not loved, not held, not touched,

Just how I like it,

No nicer, maybe a bit rough.

Your monster would have made them run,

But still, I had to say no out a loud.

I sat with it, acknowledged it, held her hand.

No, out a loud.


A better man could hurt me,

And I’d never let him touch me again.

But you,

I’d let you ruin me, over and over

Till there’s nothing left.

Judas and Jesus,

Betray me with a kiss.


I don’t think it’s about how you look,

It’s how you feel,

What fits right, what stops your heart at night.

I don’t think it’s about what they like,

How pretty you are,

It’s about what gives you the space to be you,

Material that lets your truth shine through.


And a visual of how you stop my heart,

Is an ambulance whirring past,

Everything stops, all take a glance.

Time slows down, our individual lives disappear,

Thinking of who, how, why,

Will they make it? Will they pass?

Will you love me? Will you give me a chance?

Give up time, merge us into two.


It’s all so romantic in my head,

Being happy is an uneventful event.


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